This may seem a little bit crazy

But I think I’m going to sell pretty much everything I own until I can fit my belongings into two bags. It will help de-clutter my life and make me way less dependent on what I have. 

With You

I want to see you with the sun shining in your face-

laughter marking a presence everlasting.

I want to see you in the rain-

childlike with no worry or pains.

I want to see you when your waking-

to know I didn’t dream you while I was sleeping.

I want to see you in all your moods-

I want to really know you.

I want to be able to hold your hand,

dance with you like no one’s watching,

sing while we’re in the car on the way to somewhere.

I just want to experience life

through new eyes

with you.

Flipping Love This Song

Silence

Struck with a force, I feel everything. Everything. Every.fucking.thing. Why can’t I shut this off? I need to stop this itch under my skin. It’s spreading. Oh god, it’s spreading. Panic flares like over-active heartburn, pouring through my chest. I am so full. Speak, scream, do something. I cannot will my body to move, my mind cannot think, cannot act. I just want to fucking get out. Let me the fuck out! It’s taking me over, it’s moving. Filling, it’s all filling up and I’m under it. It’s a weight and it’s on me, in me, it’s all over me. Just get it out, off and away. I can’t breathe. I.cannot.breathe. My head throbs, aches. This won’t stop, won’t go away. Dizziness, the same sickness invades my body and fights its way down to my core. I.cannot.fucking.breathe. I drift, as I dream I cannot see and I still cannot scream. It’s still on me, in me and all over me. I.cannot.scream. Silence. I am silent, going through the motions. Nausea rushes through me, this is the same memory. I am awake, this isn’t a dream. 

The water is never hot enough, the soap is never clean enough, the alcohol is never strong enough. The memory is a stain, one that I cannot wash away. It’s still there haunting me in the back of my mind. Every single fucking day. 

Super duper excited for tonight it’s going to be fabulazing! Just kinda bummed about the possibility of not being able to talk to him…

I deleted my myyearbook, I’ve had that thing for 5+ years but it was time to get rid of it. It was sadly really hard to just delete it but I had to since it was so hard that tells me it was the right thing to do. Lol. 

Anyways, 

It’s almost smoothie time. Woot woot, I just have to get up off my ass and go make them.

Then I have to make Lyndsay her bday card & take a shower. Pack for tonight, including food because I’m pretty sure they’re not going to have Vegan friendly food. haha. 

I hope hope hope that he’s able to call me because honestly I’ve gotten way too damned used to talking to him before he goes to sleep and before he goes to work. Which is afternoon our time and night. 

I wish you weren’t so far away…. because…

I miss you. Every single day, I miss you. 

I couldn’t find the words to tell you…

I love you. There I said it and it’s out there. I won’t try to take it back or pretend its heaviness isn’t hanging in the air, I won’t ignore the wound I’ve created nor will I try to heal it. This time I’ll let myself feel it. I’ll let myself feel the pain, emptiness, lightness, tugging, pulling, ripping, shredding. I’ll feel the glue, the unbearable lightness of being in love. The restraining darkness of its debilitating effects, the torturous aftermath of the distance and time. 

I’ll remember the first day I saw you sitting on the curb at the apartments. That first night walking with you, the butterflies that fluttered about inside. My palms were sweaty. I choked on a peppermint, embarrassment filled me at the time but now I find the humor in those moments. Small but life long, I remember the way you smelt, the way you felt. I remember. 

I’ll remember your light and your dark, your addictions, afflictions and everything in-between.  The sweet and bittersweet, the late nights and drives. There were two sides to you and I remember them both and I’m starting to hear about the new you. I’m proud of you and everything you’re doing for yourself. 

We were on a road where you couldn’t give me what I wanted but I refused to let you go. Now we’re both working on our lives separately and in a great distance, but I’m glad back then we had enough between us that we’re able to talk today. 

I love you & I always will. Memory lane for me will always be bittersweet, loving you was an addiction in its own. It hurt and sometimes it still does, I remember so much from those days. 

I remember laying on your bed and listening to you play guitar. I miss those quiet simple days. 

I miss so much but I don’t want to go back to those days. I don’t regret them but I don’t want to revisit the past. The journey with you was hard and its taking both of us years to finally make it out of the storm. 

I could write to you, about you forever. I could reminisce and go on for days but this is long enough for you & everyone else to get the gist. These are the things I can’t seem to tell you and I thought you’d like to know that I will carry you in my heart wherever my road may go.